Who Am I ??

Asked by RD as an assignment of OB but somehow i was so engrossed in writing it that i couldn't stop myself to blog it up here. so here how it goes

“Who am I”, the question seems quite rhetorical, but whenever I am confronted with the question I just couldn’t resist myself to take a plunge into my journey of life and reflect on my deeds, my thoughts and my behaviour. I somehow think one can’t find the answer without self-introspecting and critically examining your life per say.

The answer to the question can be as subjective and can vary in content like the width of an ocean but according to me ”I am what I want to be” more specifically what I would like my reflection to be when confronted to a person/situation. Everybody has an image of a person, some distant mirage of personality, far away, whose characteristics are not clear but we still are awed by his presence. Some give the name as your idol, some say your inspiration but in short it’s just what we want to be. The image of a perfect human being which can be called as humanity personified. The true form of this perfect human being can vary depending on one’s idea/concept/image of his perfect person. Irrespective of his/her true form we are all constantly working till we take our last breath to get closer to the kind of our “perfect human being” we have imagined off.

But I think the above concept is also not true in totality and doesn’t satisfy my inquisitiveness off soul and body and doesn’t give a proper answer to Who am I. The whole question of perfection is somehow looked upon from the perspective of perfection of the outer appearance giving more importance to what people perceive of you or what you think of yourself. The whole idea of soul has not been looked upon. If we are soul and body is just an outer cover then probably process of what I want to be should be looked upon form the point of view of soul and interior upliftment not the perfection of the body. The soul enrichment should be the ultimate aim. And probably the answer to Who am I would start from soul and where it will end, I still have no answer to it.

IIM S - The Beginning Of a Journey

Broken feet, a lonely day and some self-inspiration was all needed to make me write after such a long time. Woah what a couple of months it has been, a total topsy turvy ride. A lot of confusion and finally IIM S was where i was destined to land. The land of abode of clouds, that’s what the name of the place is and quite correctly as clouds one should be if you want to fly high and fulfil your dreams.

It has been just a shy more than 3 weeks but it feels as if i belong to this place. The PGP09 which seemed/acted (:P) like devils in our first week has become more like friends than mentors or seniors. From giving countless suggestions, some gyaan, some more gyaan and lots of gyaan, we have shared a lot of unforgettable moments which will surely go down the memory lane. You won’t find a better bunch of seniors that I have had .A college can’t stand in just one leg so if PGP09 is irreplaceable the PGP10 batch is also as priceless as the other one is. Someone told me that in masters you don’t make real friends as you don’t get the genuine feelings and friendship as you will get in your graduation course. The “competition” is always there. With every moment passing by I’m doubting the statement, his/her college or probably getting assured of the fact that IIM S is unique in its own way. We move together, stay together and care for each other, and that’s what it is which makes the college, the journey truly memorable and we are proud of it. I thank god that I choose IIM S and not opted for any other college as I couldn’t have lived this dream.

The journey has just begun and I have made 94+2+66 friends already. I hope the journey and the end is also as memorable as the beginning has been. Contd in future posts.

P.S.: When I was blogging this post all of my batchmates would be having loads of fun @ cheerapunji L .

Connection

Gosh I think I am truly getting love struck or love deprived ,whatever be the case I cant even figure out now. I mean this will be my second post in a couple of months about love or maybe love I don’t know yet, we will see as the post progresses. Something is really wrong with me.

Somehow in these months and particularly this week I think, I have felt something different about things and moreover about me.

I was just hearing a song from cardigans and i realized that how much the song describes me or my minds stature in particular.

Trying to believe and confide to someone or some special ones was I always used to do. Trying to show my real self to people was I always wanted to do. In the process some got closer than others some dint even bothered. I was sometimes betrayed and was sometimes broken. Stumbling, walking, running and stumbling again but I dint lose hope. Trying to connect .To make someone to see the real me not the reel me, just like "I see you" they say in Avatar, seeing the inner me not the outer appearance was how i used to live.

But eventually i realized all these times I was sometimes treated like an intruder or like a weed or sometimes just a mistake. My efforts were taken for granted and i was a lot of times misunderstood. Finally i gave up and i disconnected with the people, the world and from myself. Probably i dint even know in the first place how to connect or maybe the whole thing in first place was just a mirage. I locked everything inside me and threw them into an abyss.

But somehow from somewhere i don’t know why...probably i know the reason but don’t want to discuss over here i got this urge to untie the strangled emotions and solve the intricacies inside me. I got this urge to connect again with myself. I got this urge to listen to my deep hidden emotions and to react on the same. There was no hope no expectation no feeling just an urge, a pure urge to connect, to express , to let go myself, to tell things ,to know things. I was feeing more like me, more sane and more like myself.

There is a possibility that i can be treated like an intruder again or probably a mistake but i am sure this time i won’t disconnect because i was shown and remembered of something which was long lost and in this realization i experienced unbounded happiness. I was connecting more to my real self and if i can do that i don’t think i would need anybody else for connection as the content of self contentment is the most special emotion far superior that someone else's acknowledgement.

Intrude or be concerned?

Humans are intruding by nature. We like to poke our noses in other people's business. From famous film stars, business tycoons to even our neighbors or friends, we want to know it all, especially when it’s a tragedy or not so good kind of experience. Probably that’s the reason why stuff like Pune times and other gossip journals are so popular among people. Most people say it’s the way of Indians but I somehow feel it’s a basic tendency of all the sapiens.
Well the matter itself is quite intriguing and the nature is even more and probably that’s the reason I just couldn’t stop myself to pen errr blog it down.
Why should be the question that comes when I think about this. Why are we so interested in other people's life. Well I can literally divide people in categories just on this "why".
First ones are probably like me. I call them as "always bored peeps”. They are so bored of their monotonous life that they think this intruding will get some unexpectedness in their daily regime and probably might get some flavor from others. In short just looking for not so expected and usual.
The second ones are the the worst ones. I call them "saas bahu" types. Their driving force is jealousy. They are more interested in other's life than their own. They love when a tragedy happens to some ones else's life and if he/she is your colleague the better. Well I don’t think i need to explain more on this as to visualize these kind of people you can imagine all the vamps in Ekta kapoor's soaps. My "saas bahu" category icons i must say.
The third one is a rare specie. We can call them as "Gandalf of LOTR" These people are genuinely interested in knowing about others so that they can help the needy. Like the saviors. Always ready to give a helping hand and do some good for the society. Though I would love myself to be called as the Gandalf types but that would be butchery of the name.
Generally a person can be divided in these categories only but sometimes it depends on situations too.People do behave and react differently at different times and sometimes they are driven by other factors too.Thus there is a possibility that one can belong to one category at one time or the other one in some other time purely based on ones condition.
IMO if we think that it’s in our nature to be intruding then why can’t we convert this intruding nature into a concerned behavior.Why can’t we move more into the third type i not always then most of the times,so this intruding isn’t so intruding and becomes more of a concern, a bonhomie.

Love eternal or despicable

I was just checking my blog and gosh i realized its been long since I have blogged something. It’s not that i haven’t had any marvelous insights in these few months. it’s just that I have been too lazy to actually write what I have been thinking.


I think its coz of the promise which i made to someone which made me to check ma blog again. I am actually that lazy to even peek @ ma blog regularly.

It actually started with me watching Twilight. I know half of the dudes will faint that some guy can actually get a serious thought seeing a girlish movie but yeah it did happen. Seeing Bella Swan and Edward Cullen i wondered is this you call love??Frankly speaking i somehow in these 22 years haven’t even had a feeling remotely close to Love. I always had this theory that love is all in your head. If you want it u will fall in it else it’s just a lame excuse for going around with some hot chick with whom you are desperately wanting to go to bed. But seeing the movie i thought maybe my "so" called hypothesis is just too shallow or maybe I’m too naive to understand the "truth".

People might have many versions or their "LOVE”. Me, with a lot of introspection found a version who i can be called mine (i know a lot of u won’t agree with this but i am not enforcing my theory on anyone).Mine is simple. I don’t believe in going all crazy for someone and to actually see your life in her rather her being a part of it. In today’s world everybody has got some aspirations and i somehow see it very unpractical that u can spend your whole life just thinking about family and other family related chores, as if u never existed. Gosh that’s too lame.

I am a very ambitious person and at times i do get selfish trying to fulfill my desires. I won’t like someone coming in between me and my aspirations. For me love is being with someone who can be around when there is no one. Someone sort of my last resort. There are times when the whole world is against you and you somehow want someone just listen to your foolish talk. Some people call them friends some call them parents but there have been times with me when i had practically no one to listen to my bullshit.I know most of the times its plain blabber with no sense but she still listens to u as if some hidden info is being poured to her. She sees not the person who i am but appreciates for the person who I am not. Maybe in the last few months i have desperately seeking for that certain someone but alas!!, i was too late to realize this.

I know in my version of love I’m again sounding too self centered but I can’t help it coz that’s the way i am but I think with me being self centred I don’t think in return I want anything from her. I won’t impose any restrictions on my love even if it means she marrying to someone else if in return she gives her time just to listen my blabber and nonsense like a child confronting his feelings to the God or his mother.



Anyways i think this concept is too naive or too complicated to give it a thought. So just Leave it here and Merry. Maybe those near me have become busy in their work and yeah they have the right to be. Maybe I’m missing some people and hence in this despair I’m hallucinating.

Cheers!!!



P.S. I was searching for this write up since days. Yesterday only when I was all alone trying to celebrate 31 all alone mesmerized in my loneliness I realized where I have kept the thing. So here it goes. Generally I wouldn’t have posted a bullshit like this but it’s for the promise I made.

Irony between choices

Life is unfair, but we can’t help it.
A normal human being is nothing more than a pest. His whole life is spent in search of basic needs.
I always hated this normal man's life, wanted to be among the elite 2%, for whom life is more than to earn so that at the end of the day he can feed himself and his children. I have despised those above and have loathed them.
But it’s not as simple as it looks. Only of desiring something doesn’t make you to achieve things. You need to sweat out so as to get a portion of what you have always dreamed of.
But sometimes even if you work hard generally people have to compromise, as one doesn’t exactly get what he would have desired.
At the end of the day you came home satisfied with your efforts and hopeful that you will get your due returns but alas!! things not always turn out the way you have wanted.
I have always hated the concept of this Compromise.
Why would i compromise with what i want to do just coz i am not suitable or not the person with the best of skills in it. Why would i like to twig my dreams just coz i know doing the other thing will bring me more fame and money.
I know some people would be thinking that the thought above and this are total contradictory because if i want to to be among the so called elites i have to see from a practical perspective rather to be emotional of my wants and be stubborn about my dreams, coz after all hard work isn’t the only thing compromise and sacrifice do play a lot of part to get your due returns if you want to weigh them on the balance of money and materialistic things.
But i terms of satisfaction it may be looming far behind.
As i realize this irony about my choice and life i am stuck with an option, a way where i get a balance of both of them.
As i set on my quest of discovering the truth all the best who are like me and struggling to get an appropriate answer